Dear Fake News Media: Here’s a List of Trump’s Accomplishments You Should Be Covering

Today, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who loves her job…

…really, truly…

…takes great joy in it…

…totally schooled CNN’s resident rabble-rouser Jim Acosta when he had the nerve to ask if President Trump, who’d merely suggested the Senate Intelligence Committee investigate media outlets he considers “fake,” values the First Amendment as much as he values the Second Amendment?” Um, duh.

“Absolutely,” said Sanders. “We’ve seen recent information that says only 5% of media coverage has been positive about this president and this administration while at the same time you have the stock market and economic confidence at an all-time high, ISIS is on the run, unemployment at the lowest it’s been in 17 years, weave cut regulations at historic pace, fixing the VA. With you’ve only found 5% of your time to focus on those big issues. Not a lot of the things you cover, not a lot of the petty palace intrigue that you spend your time on, I think we need to move towards a certainly more fair, more accurate and frankly a more responsible news media for the American people.”

Put that in your pipe of petty palace intrigue and smoke it, Acosta! You heard the president’s position loud and clear: he is 100% supportive of the First Amendment as long as people are saying nice things about him.

And I totally agree — the biased media needs report the wonderful things President Trump has done! Here’s a list to help Acosta and his fake news ilk…

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Covfefe This!

Once again, the media and libs are all over President Trump like Kim Jong-un on a block of Swiss cheese — this time, for the president Tweeting this brilliantly cryptic message before drifting off to sleep in his gold-plated tanning bed:

Covfefe! Twitter was alight with wonder. What does this mean? everyone wanted to know.

His next executive order, perhaps?

Is this what one looks like after doing a line of covefefe?

A private, romantic joke with his wife?

Oh, sure, folks were having a big ol’ laugh at the president’s expense, but he had the last laugh when Sean Spicer explained:

“The president and a small group of people know exactly what he meant.”

SO THERE. If you thought the president was going to self-deprecatingly admit it was a typo, then Chris Christie has a bridge in Jersey to sell you.

 

The Trumps Do the Vatican

Check out the look on the Pope’s face! Holy–

IVANKA: I consider myself the hotter Mother Teresa.

MELANIA: I’m dressed for a funeral because my husband is dead to me.

DONALD: Those wafers would taste better with ketchup.

POPE FRANCIS: There is no God.

Trump Visits Western Wall and the World Needs to Know: What Did His Note Say?

President Trump visited Jerusalem’s Western Wall today, placing his diminutive hand on Judaism’s holiest prayer site, mumbling “dreidel” and “Jared” and “money” and any other Jewish words he could think of, then posting a note into the wall, as many worshippers do with prayers, supplications and, in the case of our president, deep and insightful observations:

Meanwhile, the First Lady — as well as Melania Trump — were directed to the smaller “women’s section” of the wall, which I assume has a ladies’ night and tampon dispensers, and only gives women 77% as many prayers answered. As for the prayers that FLOTUS and Melania submitted to the Lady Wall, I happen to have an exclusive look at them:

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Liber-nazis Attack Kellyanne Conway for Defending Our Nation Against Fake Terrorist Attacks

I tell ya, those liberal elites will stop at nothing to discredit an Islamophobic liar. Disgusting.

What Kellyanne Conway told MSNBC’s Chris Matthews in defense of President Trump’s totally-not-a-Muslim-ban Muslim ban:

“I bet it’s brand new information to people that President Obama had a six-month ban on the Iraqi refugee program after two Iraqis came here to this country, were radicalized and they were the masterminds behind the Bowling Green massacre. It didn’t get covered.”

As usual, Kellyanne was right–it was brand new information because none of that ever happened. Of course, the elite media POUNCED on the poor woman, citing actual facts based on demonstrable history proving that Obama didn’t ban the Iraqi refugee program and that there was no such thing as the Bowling Green massacre. And who’s to say she wasn’t referring to the massacre that happened on the bowling greens of Mount Dora Lawn Bowling Club in July of 2003?

They CRUSHED the Watertown Nursing Home on the bowling greens that day. Massacred, some would say.

I, for one, am so TIRED of the left pushing “correctness.” Whatever happened to the days when a Muslim-hating, war-mongering administration could make up a “massacre,” then later Tweet a half-assed correction admonishing the media for admonishing her for promulgating fear-inciting lies without being admonished? *Sigh* I miss those days, I really do.

 

Time to Boycott Uber for Boycotting Trump for Customers Boycotting Uber

Yo, yo, yo! Travis in the house.

In a disgusting show of concern for refugees and his customer base, Uber CEO Travis Kalanick has dropped out of President Trump’s business advisory council, citing reservations about the president’s anti-terrorism, anti-what most Americans want, totally-not-a-Muslim-ban Muslim ban.

“Earlier today I spoke briefly with the president about the immigration executive order and its issues for our community,” Kalanick said in a memo. “I also let him know that I would not be able to participate on his economic council. Joining the group was not meant to be an endorsement of the president or his agenda but unfortunately it has been misinterpreted to be exactly that.”

Oh! So you don’t endorse keeping America SAFE, Travis?  I should have known you hated our country when one of your drivers picked me up in a Prius the other day.

What’s next? Listening to your customers when they protest the surge…? Oh, I sure hope so. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET RID OF THE WALLET-GOUGING SURGE!

 

FAKE NEWS CNN Runs Fake Story About Trump Asking People on Live TV to Pray for ‘Apprentice’ Ratings During National Prayer Breakfast

I am disgusted, disheartened and outraged about this FAKE NEWS CNN piece. Once again, they have deceptively based their so-called reporting on the actual words Donald Trump said into a live mic this morning. As Kellyanne Conway rightfully pointed out, liberal elites should listen to what’s in his HEART instead. Just try…

See? You hear that? Just cold, empty silence. Amen.

 

Finally! President Donald Trump Puts Australia In Its Place

In a world where an Afghan woman’s ears are cut off by her husband and Syrian toddlers are washed ashore, we all know where we need to direct our ire:

AUSTRALIA.

So I tip my felt bucket hat to President Donald J. Trump, who bravely berated the Australian prime minister on a call yesterday, when past presidents were too wimpy to kangaroo-kick our longtime ally for no good reason. It takes a real man, a true patriot like President Trump, to try to weasel out of an agreement to accept 1250 refugees fleeing terror, beat his chest about the size of his electoral college victory (as sizable as his hands!), then hang up faster than Prime Minister Turnbull can say “Maybe the dingo ate your baby.”

Let’s be honest: Australia has a long history of trying to stick us with dangerous exports. Shrimp on the barbie, for example. Kath & Kim. This guy…

Not to mention their actors are always stealing our Hollywood jobs. Step off, Blanchett and Jackman! Somewhere in New Jersey, that third Jonas Brother is wondering why a Hemsworth is getting the roles that should be his. Is this really how we want to treat the third Jonas Brother, America? Okay, sure, Australians are abnormally attractive, fun and talented, but under Trump, we will stand for it no more!